| life ? |
[08 Dec 2008|01:30am] |
so where do we start or where do we end. basically it came to an end. i guess kinda write before my eyes. i mean i guess i knew it was happening but didnt want to face it. my own fault. whatever most likely some sort of secerty thing people do when there scared ot hurting or really nothing eles to do. so i did. i put my shelid up and tryed to ignore it. so lets start where it ened last. you left. i had 6 month to get over you. and im sure i did a really godo job truely i did. i men i had nothing eles to do after alll that i found out. so i did. well 6 months your back. and were just friends. not complaning. i just miss you. you really are my best friend. i just miss your body being next to mine more then anything. i just dont know what to say about it anymore.. it alll comes down to one simple yet complexed word LIFE. its everything. now you see he has 6 months to be here. ironic that the numbers are 666. ha bullshit ey. i think so but still fucking weird.
marina noor critty are stilll my all time number ones. no matter the distance or weather we dont talk for a few months bc when we first see each other its back to normal. i miss them..
amelia carly they are good friends for sure. good peple to have around. most deffentillly... no matter the little tifs i get in with amelia she still is truey one of the most amazin people i have ever met.. and cary well carly genuien... for sure...
the house is still kicking i love it. it feels like home and that makes it all the much more.
i wonder what my path is in life.
i dont get eirther how someone can be there one day and gone the next. i hate it and i hate death. although again so ironic someti,es i feel like i want to die. but really i dont.. really all i want hi happinesse. djknqlkfnqjkwbd
heres my update ha. weird as they come but they come.
i hope someone reads all this when i die. i guess u can say this is my bio. ha. good one ey.
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(think they're beautiful)
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| rest of the one bellow |
[05 Jan 2008|01:44am] |
somedays i can tell while other days i cant. where do you go once you have fallen down. what do you do when nothign seems right. isnt that what everyone wants to know when thet in to a position like this. what if we had all the answer to life. what if we know how our life was going to turn out. i guess that takes away from "living life". but that would make it so much easier then going though all the shit you have to face in your lifetime. i wish i knew where to go from here.. becuse in all honestly i dont know where to do or what to do. but no one will ever know i feel like that because are you kidding me i'm the best faker of emotions there ever is. i walk around all the time with the biggest smile on my face when deep down inside im ripping apart my body parts. i dont even know what i want from life anymore. i want answer to things that i cant. and well thats fucking life. and i know it. but i just need someone to tell me its going to be okay. when i mean i know it is. but sometimes you feel like its not going to be okay. and it sucks. i wish i knew what to do from here. yah know. i wonder if he is going to forget about me. forget everything we shared. forget and replace OUR memories. and still i ressure you i'm not mad or upset. i have no hard feelings against her or him. none at all. more so shitty feelings against myself..why would i let something go this far.
and fuck you. if you fuckign use me. i swear im turnin gay. ill be done. im so done with getting fuckign used by people. i have had enough of it. im so sick and fuckign tired of getting used im so over it. i hate having feelings for people. because when ever i do it never turns out right and i alwasy end up geting hurt and i alwasy end up with the bad reputation. and im so over it. why should i have to put up with all of this. i like him.. so much. i have so much fun with him. i alwasy put myself in these positions where the boy i like lives in another state or fuck another country. i dont get why i put myself though this shit. because i have no one eles to blame but myself. its all me. i make the choices in my life. no one eles. although it seems liek if i had someone to blame everythign woudl be a little better. just knowsing it wasent fuckign me doing this to myself. witch it is. and i guess that makes it more complicated. or worse. my life sumed up is FUCKED. i cant even say fucked some aspects of it is fucked. i hate sounding like a winey little kid who gets everything i want or has stupid bullshit to worry about. but fuck you all im 20 yeats old yeah my problems arent huge. but when yoru fucking 20 years old that shit matters...
this entry is jumping around i know im sorry.
i think im super scared as well as loosing touch with his family. i love his brother and his sister as if they were my own. i woudl fucking kill someone who touched them. i love them so much. nini and nicole are by far the best kids i have ever met in my life. they are so little but so smart and so funny. and i i know they love me and i know they care about me. but fuck.. rickey has a girlfriend now. what the shit do i do. yeah right go to west palm alone to go see them. i want to yes but that would be fuckign weird. and i wouldnt do that shit ever. or what homewrecker style and go with rickey when he has a girlfriend. that would be so weird. where would i sleep. what would i do. i have no clue. i really dont. i hate thinkin about shit sometimes. life would be so easy if you didnt think about all this shit.
i wish i had a sign.
had something happen just to let me know in the end i will be fine.
your going home in a month or so. your leaving. your already pusing me away. already. what the fuck do i do now.
im tired
my eyes hurt from crying tonight.
lets see if he sleeps next to me tonight.
im scared.
i dont want to beleive in the fact that "you get with alot of girls and dont care" according to rickey.
ill know soooon enough.
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(think they're beautiful)
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| sdklfjn |
[27 Aug 2006|11:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 c,vmnkxbfh |
] |
first day of school tomarrow.
kindda scary college..
eeek bigger campus then high school.
not knowing where anything is.
;jkdfnljksdflm oh man.
i hope i meet new people! :]
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(think they're beautiful)
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| shittty..weird.... wtf... ;dfjkl;nasdjkpfnlkjasdf :[ |
[27 Aug 2006|02:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 :[ |
] |
i want to be loved right now.
i went to the beach today with marian joel jaki geo and critty.
it was a good time..
my walk to the rocks was nice.
and sitting and talking was nice.
but its so hard to understand.
i dunno waht to do..
i want a boy to call my own. one who really catches my attention..
makes me laugh.. can talk to forever.. and makes me feel goood..
its so hard to find someone like that.
i dont understand you.
or how you act..
sahdy.. or just truth?
i feel so alone right now...
i wish this emptyness would go away.
i need someone to fill my heart up again.
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(think they're beautiful)
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| summer. |
[21 Aug 2006|07:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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saving jane |
] |
school starts monday so basically summer is over.
I dont think i can pick one word to describe summer.
it was by far the best one i have ever had.
i went on a month road trip with rickey.
we went:::
1. ECT conest in NY
2.pittsburgh to see my kristie &party
3. ohter side of pa. for posh and caddy
4. jersey
5. new york city.. brooklyn banks./// got arrested in cony island for riding.
6.connetticit
7.boston for bone death
8. road island rode street
9. back to NY
i met so many new people.. some were amazing and some will be forgotten very fast.
this summer was simply perfect in every way.
i will never forgot any of this.
i wish the road trip would last forever. it was that amazing.
besides the road trip summer has beeen amazing in other ways too.
i spend about 2 weeks in south carolinia with stephanie . i went to my first bar/ club there. had so much fun. i worked at my aunts store and made sole dolllas.
i spent a few days in nyc with family for a wedding as well. withc was so much fun i got to see alot of family i hadent seen in a long time.
i got to spend so many days with my best friends witch were so much fun even if we were just sitting.
ive met so many people this summer i will never forget.
the real word starts monday im scared.
I dont know where ill be in 5 years and that scares me.
my backbone is gone.
friends are chaning and it makes me so sad.
i dont want to grow up ever.
im just all around scared..
i dunno i'm sure ill do just fine.
life just scares me.
i dont no anymore.. what i want or what to do.
or who i want to be.
and it sucks latly i can control my anger.
i get really mad for no reason.
and i take it out on everyone.
sometimes i dont understand myself.
i feel so weird latly and im very unsure of things.
i just wish i would know in the end ill be okay and well my life will be okay, and my decisions wont fuck anything up.
wdrjk;nakl.
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(1 || think they're beautiful)
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| ,mnsdlfjukhae;jknefdouihfd |
[12 Jan 2006|10:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 boorrreeeed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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crime mob |
] |
well hmmm nothings new.
i'm getting a job soon.
because i need money.
theres so much i want to do but need the money.
road trips, airline tickets, woodward.. klsjdfhoiuf
i want to buy chris old front wheel because mine is way heavy.
and dammmmit im so lazzy but i gottaah get one becasue i need to have money by march n shit. it will be soo good. im pretty siked i guesss.
,nfdpiuhsdfknmjg
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(3 || think they're beautiful)
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| things change sometimes for the worst |
[03 Dec 2005|12:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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backstreet boys |
] |
Its sad.
I think i have honestly just realized im growing up. Everyone has changed right in front of my eyes and i am just noticing now. All my friends are different. They all act different, into different things. Expecially all of our morals went down the drain. We are not the people we wanted to be or even dreamed to be. you high hopes are now to the ground. Substances ruin lives. It makes me sick. You are better then that and you just "dont give a fuck." We used to say we would never forget one another. Seems like were already on the path of that. Lies come out of your mouth my mouh everyones mouth. I'm so sick of lies. I want the truth even if it hurts more. I miss the old days. I miss the old memories. I miss being younger. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready for my friends to change. I love them so much if only they really knew. I want it all back to normal. It seems like i have no friends anymore. I really dont know. just come back. back to how it used to be. maybe thats way to much to ask for. I miss how it used to be, we will never have how it used to be back eirther. maybe im just tired and this is why im thinking so much. but whatever. it just sucks sometimes. im done.
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(6 || think they're beautiful)
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| long time. |
[15 Nov 2005|10:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 i hate school. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ashlee simpson |
] |
well lets see this is goin to be very random.
i have not updated in god knows how long but alot of new shit has been going on.
* i went to chicago trip last week, it was a fucking blast. Marina,Noor,Alison, and i shared a room. holy hell we trashed that bitched by the time we left. we did not go to any of the classe we were supposta to. instead we took a train to the other side of chicago and probley had the best time ever. we went in to all these vintage shops and porn stores. just simply amazing. we talked to bums and dick head boys with we ened up pranking all night and leaving a pair off noors panites on there door saying " one stink box to another" We laughed so hard. but with all the good on this trip deffentilly brought drama. Noor, marina, and I fought so much. but were all like sister so we got over are disputes within 30 mins. othr then stupid little fights we had an amazing time well at least i did. Dressing up like old vintage grandmas for the stupid dances we had to go was simply amazing and brought lots of dirty looks to us. The trip was filled with bets. thats how we pretty much spent all of our money. Marina bet be 10 dollas to wear short a tank and gloves and a scarf and walk a mile. so i did. and they made fo rmy mcdonalds and gave me 5 bucks. the next day i bet marina to go to this pretty boy and say "Hello my name is marina andim from orlando florida and i suck a mean dick." AND SHE DID .. i almost died of laughing so hard. so i gave her 10 bucks. all of the money i spent was deffentilly well worth. some how we ended up buying a dildo for one of our friends as an inside joke. we just had an amazing time.
Lets see
christmas is soon im so siked.
ilovechristmas.
I am prob going to NY with rickey for christmas.
west palm this weekend with rickey as well.
I need to hang out with critty i have not hung out with her for awile. i miss my boo bear.
Also i have starting planning out my next tatoos. the stops that r being planned ou rmy arm and my upper back. they should be tight as fuck. I cant wait to get them. I'm going to look like such a trashy mama when im older with all my tattos. oh well. you only live once.
other then that i think im done.
love everyone.
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(3 || think they're beautiful)
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| long time. |
[04 Oct 2005|10:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 yayaya for everything! |
] |
| [ |
music |
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underoath. |
] |
hmm well its been awile.
shit is still pretty much the same.
i have been haning out with rickey alot more latley.
its going okay. we get in to fights here n there
becuse we are both stubborn people.
i go to New York in about 2 weeks im siked.
Baco contest is in like 3 weeks even more siked.
im pretty happy how everything is going.
ilovemydriendstodeath!
my mom is really funny latley.
my belly button pircing ripped out. that kinda sucked.
oh well.
i have my lip pirced now. i like it.
all this is very random.
im in school right now
i think i failed the math part of the fcat
i dont have shoes on.
cant wait to go home
i think im going to get a hamburger from the school lunch? gross? nah.
i dont have any enemys right now nor do i dislike anyone at the moment.
my bike is super awsome and i love it to death.
although someone fucked it up and though it would be funny.
still needs to be fixed.
i rode some street over the weekend with rickey n jon. it was fun.
sin city is a good movie. i saw it for the first time.
west palm this weekend should be a blsat!
i want to ride mimia street!
<3 my bike.
red bulls are fucking amazing.
i love my gal friends!
i still need a dress for the wedding in NY!
i want more friends.
so come over everyone and hang out with me.
okay i think im done with this randomness.<3
love you all.
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(5 || think they're beautiful)
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| lies wont win me over. |
[08 Sep 2005|11:24am] |
I dont hate you or her. i hate the fact that you lied to me. so call me a hyporcrit because i have lied to you in my past, but I told you everything and straight up with "boy". We were not going out no point in lieing. I'm pissed because when you told me that it was her not made up ashely that you dident even tell me the whole truth still. you still lied to me. She told me the truth. the whole truth and i thank her for that. no one should be lied to.I have started over. I dont lie to anyone about anything. Most of all i havent lied to you rickey. You came to my house and you cryed your eyes out and said how much you missed me and wanted me back. how can you want someone back when you straight up lied to me that day when i asked if there was anything eles that happend and you dident even tell me the full details. You told me you made out with her for the hell of it because she came on to you and you felt rude stopping her. but turns out you liked her and she liked you. and you would have gone out with her if she wasent moving.
and honestly it all makes sense now. When i cried my eyes out begging for you back and everything and you shit on me telling me you dont want to get back with me and all that bull shit it was because you had her at that point. someone to talk to someone to cuddle and kiss with a very pretty girl. you had no need for me anymore. but when she moved you got lonely and im the closet one. and thats when you decided to come crawling back to me. not because you missed me.. but she left. and i'm still her. its funny rickey how the pieces fit back together. its funny how you cryed to me cryed about our memories cryed your eyes out at my house. but for wat? you cant just pick up where you left off because your girl moved. you cant just come back to me now. after all that.. after so much more then the truth came out. its not the fact that you made out with her.. No i dont care that you did. you lied to me. and even when you told the truth you still hide stuff from me. One thing you should know i find out EVERYTHING. I dont even hate you.. i dont even hate alex. im just dissipointed. not in her. she told me the truth even after i was a bitch to her. but you.. you lied to me and then when you told the truth you still hide shit. i dont even know. stuff is so complicated. i dont belive now that you honestly wanted me back and that you honestly missed me. why should i.. why dident you miss me when she was still her.. you waited till she left. im not even upset anymore. i just dont understand. i dont understand you. and i wish i did. and i wish i knew the things i want to know. maybe its better that i dont. maybe its better if we dont even be friends anymore .. just see each other around when im in town or run in to each other while were riding bikes.
the bell rang off to another class.
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(5 || think they're beautiful)
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| No one said this would be easy... |
[20 May 2005|08:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confusssed like a mother |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Schooooool |
] |
"What do you do when you look in the mirror and staring at you is why he's not here"
Its Friday!!!
Woot Woot!!
I need a break from school.. maybe even a break from life for just a little.. Everything i try to do every word i try to hold back just eats me inside more..It's hard not to say something when something is really bothering you.. Because all he will say is "im bitching..Im a hyporcrit...I have no right to be mad I fucked up" Most of that is probley true.. but it dosent make it any less harder not to worry about it and to hold back what I want to say..Somedays I wish i could just forget about all of this and move on, but its easier to say that then do it..Maybe I don't want to forget eirther..I feel like all I do is bitch about all this shit.. Its hard not to... I think about it more times in the day then i think about anything..But Its not like im asking for people to feel sorry for me.. Because im deffentilly not...I'm just letting out what i dont say i guess in person.. Maybe this is for the better that he dosent get back with me...Maybe he'll meet someone 100 times better then me and maybe i will meet someone 100 times better then him..Who knows what life has in store for everyone.. Its something different no matter who you are..maybe better things maybe worse things...Thats just the game of life: You win some and you loose some.
Summer summer summmer... it just a week away.. I can feel it..Maybe summer holds the key of happyness!!!
I dont no if I should Smile because we did happend and were great when we were together or to frown because I lost it, and it most likely wont come back.
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(4 || think they're beautiful)
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| Rickey Day |
[18 May 2005|08:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 eh eh |
] |
| [ |
music |
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In school |
] |
So rickey came over today... We went out to eat then watched t.v then headed to vans.. it was cool I guess.. I dunno anymore.. its hard to see him.. but i want too..Everything seems better when were together but when were apart we just fight about stupid shit..I hate it..I miss him so much and I miss the old times..I just wish everything would hurry up with whats gunna happin between us.. but whatever...
Other then school is out next week.. May 27 to be exact... I can't wait.. I wonder how summer will be if I'm not with Rickey.. I know I got summer school.. so maybe that will help time fly buy...
Maybe something amazing will happin this summer ??
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(4 || think they're beautiful)
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[17 May 2005|08:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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Shits need to be figure out |
] |
| [ |
music |
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in school |
] |
Last weekend was fun! I went to the beach with Chantal!! I got sooo sunburnt!! but well worth it!!Later that night wissiam saved my life from a really bad car accident we almost got in too.. Then wissiam, Jay , and me went to a party.. Wissiam and I made fun of all the drunk kids it was really funny! Some kid came up to us as said "I AM SO SLAUGHTERED" haha so thats a pretty fuckin cool work now..
So Whats going on with Rickey and I.. well I coudlent even tell you myself..He has me waiting here.. for what I dont know.. But if he dseont make up his mind in the next few days im movin on..Yes it will be hard at first.. but not the end of the world.I miss him so much and yes I still love him.. but it hurting me way too much just waiting for him to come back, if he even dose. Seems like we cant even have a nice converstation anymore with out one of us yelling or god knows what. I know i can be a hyporcrity but he can too.. Were so much alike we get in fights so easily. Both of us are subborn as fuck.. and refuse to give in. Honestly im ready for what ever comes my way.. All of this is so stressing and I woudlent mind things getting figured out fastter.If he dont want me back then fine, there are other fish in the sea.. If he dose then shit better start moving faster and both of us need to compromise and tlak all this shit out of what will upset us and what wont..At this point I dont think I even care anymore.. Caring is so hard to do now a days.. I rather not care so i'm not upset..but whatever...
Alsoo this is absoulty amusing to me.. it's so funny how 14 year old girls are such sluts Or just one in pictular MISSY.. HA they get fucked in the back of a car.. HAHAHA even better they r not going out eirther.. They dont even have respect for themselves.. hahaha Its okay she'll get really fucked up for all the shit she has talked to me...Fuck little girls.
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(3 || think they're beautiful)
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[27 Apr 2005|08:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
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This is goodbye |
] |
| [ |
music |
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in school |
] |
I have been up all night crying and so far been crying at school. I hate crying it sucks.I feel like soo much shit.Its funny how someone who isent real at all can find out so much stuff about the person you loved. How they lie straight to you and can be all about someone eles in the snap of fingures.So if your wondering what I'm talking about well I did a test on Rickey. Yes he failed. Call it wrong or whatever you want to call it. He fucked up pretty bad. My friend Britney who lives over 0384091743 miles away helped me out. We used one of her old screen names and decided to talk to rickey on it. I had told him before i gave his screen name to some chicks at school before but i really dident. We found some random pretty girls face from myspace and usedheer as "kelly" or as we all know know ME.Rickey begian to get close with this girl sharing so many personal things what he shoudlent have. Taliing about me and our personal things.He told "her" The things that we have done together. Told her how im haggard.. I go to school haggard. Flat out that she is prettier then I am. He was saying how he wanted to go to her house really bad and hang out.. Even though she was talking dirty and wanted to do dirty things with him. Yet he still went along with it all..When I was talking to him on the phone he coudlent stay away from the comptuer and "her" he lied when i asked who he was talking to he said jon when really the next im came to "her" .. He lied when i asked if he was typing .. he said no.. But I know he was because soon after I said that a IM appeared...Yes he did say and do some good tings.. I guess the thing that hurts me the most is he was talking and acting like the first time we talked. He was being Rickey the boy i fell in love with..He was being cute and playing around.. the rickey i fell in love with. He askes how he has changed well rickey its because you dont act caring and loving like that.. You dont act like you want to talk to me.. Or even stay ont he comptuer.. When its me you want to get off as fast as you can or your talking to other people andi have to beg for you to talk to me. If anything thats what hurt the most.I know i fucked up.. but so did you.. the funny part is when i was acting liek "her" you said you have never cheated on me.. You have though.. Dont lie rickey. Its still hard for me to put all the pieces together and the shit you were saying to "her" who was really me. You fucked up.. and I got you good. I guess this means were offically over.Falling in love was the stupidest thing I could have ever done.
Moving on is gunna be hard. Yes I still love him.. Thats what will make this so much harder.Yes i will always want to knwo whats hes doing and talk to him. But when your forgetting there is none of that.Life is going to be different.Way different. Right now I'm going take life one step a time.
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(23 || think they're beautiful)
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| Life is at an all time low |
[13 Apr 2005|09:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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in school |
] |
So i'm feeling really crappy right now. No I dont want anyone to feel bad for me or any of that bull shit. I brought this upon myself, so that means I deal with it myself."you cant teach a old dog new tricks".. Isent that the truth. I really want everyone to stay away from me.I honesly dont even no who I am anymore. Seems like the people I get close to I hurt.I always hated liers. But look at me..I'm propley the biggest lier ever.I lie to cover up my ass.I lie not to hurt people. But in the end it hurts people more.I hurt people more.I hurt someone soo many times.I really am a awful person. No mater what anyone says. "Mistakes happin" blah blah blah.. They happin ONCE... then you learn from them.. THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSTED TO HAPPEN TWICE. I dont understand me anymore. I always though I was a good person.. But in all honesty I think I'm lieing to myself..Maybe I need help. Maybe I dont.. I dont even no what I need.Its not the the fact that I dont love you.. Because I do.. I love you soo much and I want to be with you forever.. but it seems like I met you too early in life.. it feels like I was supposta to meet you later on in live.. not yet..I'm not ready to settle down. Im 17. I'm still a kid. I still want to fuck around. I still want to make mistakes. But it seems like i fucked over everything that could have been or what was going to be. You have done so much for me. I dont deserve any of it. Your a better preson than I am.. you always were. You have such high standards. Well maybe not so high,, maybe your standards are right, and mine are wrong. Maybe if I was more liek you I would be a better person. But sadly to say I'm different from you.I dont even no if any of this is making sence.. but I'm just typing what I think. I'm in the weirdest state of mind right now. I did not get any sleep last night. I saw each new hours on my clock. My eyes look like wales from crying. They shouldent be though I did this. I'm always worrying about other people feelsing and not huring them. Fuck but I should only really care abotu thouse I love. I;m such an idiot. I wish and hope that you find someone so great.Someone who wont hurt you like I have. Someone who will look at you the way you looked at me.Someone you cna trust and someone who wont lie to you. You deserve so much that I cant give you. Im sure none of this is making sence I should be beggin for you back right. But I cant. I will noy allow myself yo be yours again. I dont deserve it. YOU DESERVE BETTER. I wish you would understand what I'm saying. Even I dont. But I did this.. so I dont have too.. I'm doing what is right for once. YOu might not see it now.. but in the long run you will know this is right.
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(4 || think they're beautiful)
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| Metro Jam |
[10 Mar 2005|07:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
SO MUCH FUN!!! |
] |
There so much to say about about what happend at metro jam.. seriously the best time of my life..I cant even express how much funn i had there. Rickey and I had to wake up at 5:00 on March 3 for a long day of travling. We would be taking 2 plains to get to Canada. When we arrived in the below freezing weather we did some sight seeing on our way to the hotel we would be staying at. It was a cute hotel.We played in the snow after we setteled in.. It was soo cold and sooo great!! I hadent seen snow in liek 5 years!! It taste soo good.. and seriously the best thing ever!! Later that night we took a cab to where metro jam would be held at. we looked at the set up and what not then we walk sooo fucking far in the freezzing intill we got a cab to take us back to our hotel. We ate then went to sleep for the busy day ahead of us. Woke up early the next day to head over to the rico collisem where metro was taking place at. Rickey rod a little that day.. it was amature practice and finals. Later that day when we were abotu leaving Mike and Mark and his family got there. We hung out with them that night and went to eat at the hardrock cafe. They took us back to our hotel getting lost like 03841904 time because we dident know how to get there. We went to sleep and woke up the next day.. rickey was riding this day..It was soo fun watching all the wild stuff going on.. seriosly i was soo stoked being there watching. I met up with my good pal Jeremiah jones. It was good seeing him..He got hurt later that day.. though.. it was sad he could have done really well. Rickey rod really well that day..i was happy for him!! although he dident make finals it was still good.. because it was really the big time people and what not who made finals. Later that night there was the orckid premare.. with a little devel bonus thing. It was good.. people were being wild there.. After the video we went to the bars were under age americans and everyoen eles were getting wasted off there asses. it was sooo funny canada dosent ask for id and even if they did the drinking age there is 19.. basically everything is wild as hell there.. haha it was fun watching all that crazzzzeeenneesss... We went hope god knows what time and went to bed. Woke up the next day for pro finals..It was sooo good watching.. Rickey and I sat with Jeremiah since he was hurt.. I wanted to see if he was okay and what not.. It was good talking to him..We watched seriolsy the most inscane things go on that day. We started to walk back to the hotel when it was all done. We stopped at a cute restrount and ate. it was soo good.we called a cab and headed back to the hotel we had to pack and everything for the long day of plain rides home. Next day we had to catcht he bus that took us to the airport.. it was crazee josh harrigton was on our first flight back.. He won metro this year too..When we got back in to orlando is was sooo fucking hot compared to Canada. But all in all it ws good to be back home.. but I did have a fucking blast with Rickey in Canada... I'm totally stoked to go back next year for Metro!!!!!
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(2 || think they're beautiful)
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| I <3 Rickey |
[13 Dec 2004|06:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Love me <3 |
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It's weird how things turn out in this world. Weird how people turn out.. I know some of my decision lately haven't been the best, I know I have hurt someone really special to me, and I'm so sorry... I look at myself and I have become the exact opposite of what I wanted to be. I don't like it at all. For a little bit of time I got lost on everything I believed and all my morals. I have been thinking a lot lately.. I'm getting back on the right track now. I know how I want to be and how I want to act. I know exactly now what I don't want to do and don't want to be. I know the person I love more then anything, and how I would take a bullet for him and would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to him. I'm so glad I'm starting to think again. This is all me now. I'm not trying to be anyone but who I am. I'm not sure what got me thinking about everything maybe because I sat down today and I looked though all my old photos from when I was little. I didn't think then that I would run in to problems or my actions would effect people.. It was so easy then. I'm not saying I'm not up to the challenging of life because I am.. What I'm trying to say is that I never new things could be so hard. I like how I'm thinking now.. It will get me a lot father in life. Today though while looking though all the old photos something was just so weird. I had so many memories in that house and it was so weird as I looked at the photo from the schools I went to there, I still remembered all the names of the kids. I wonder what they all look like now and how they act. I think soon I would like to go back to Virginia to visit, to see everything that I used to know.
Christmas is coming soon. Its going to be here in less then 3 weeks. I'm so ready. Nothing could beat a Christmas with Rickey.
Everything seems to be getting better with me and Rickey also. We are working together not to get mad over stupid things we would normaly get mad over. Were just worrying about us now. I know I hurt him really bad and I can never forgive myself for that. It would be selfish for me to ask him to forgive me as well. Although he found it in his heart to take me back. I know it still bothers him. I know for a fact we both love each other so much. I'm glad I found out in time who I want to be and how I wan to act before something amazing had to end.
I love Rickey so much I hope he sees how much I love him, Most of all how much I am sorry for what happend. I want everything from now on to be good. Signs are looking good so far! I <3 Rickey!!!!
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(1 || think they're beautiful)
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| I FUCKED UP |
[30 Nov 2004|06:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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im so sorry. |
] |
Seriously i fucked up so bad.. I love Rickey so much more then anything and i fucked him over... i wish all this shit would have never happend..i know i hurt him so bad.. and i hate that i dont no why... i feel so sick right now mentally and physically.. im so stressed i made myself sick.. im never hungy.. all i do it cry and sleep.I know i deserve whats coming my way. I dont deserve to be with him anynmore after my actions. It was totally a fucked up thing to do.I wish so much that he could no im not holding anything from him.. i know i lied about shit to begin with but it was because i was scared.. scared to tell him.. scared to hurt him.. scared because i love him so much.. but the truth shoudlent be kept from anything i told him everything eventhough after some stuff other people said.. i agreeed and confessed up.. and told teh truth about everything.. it was only little things that people told him.. i told him the main thing. but i wish he could see im telling the truth.. there is no more.. and i know its hard for him to belive me after i lied.. but i dont have it in me anymore to lie. im drained of everything. i dont want to lie.. i dont want to be the person i have become.. i want to be how i used to be.. i dont like how i changed.. i miss me.. i miss my old ways and my old beliefs.... i want the real me to come back.. and most of all i want rickey back, but that is so selfish of me to want. I love him so much and i know i fucked up real bad... i feel so fucking horrible. nothing could ever make up for my actions. i just wish he could fine it in his heart to forgive me... but even if he dosent i know what having the best was like...and i still have all my memories.. I dont care anymore about my feelings.. I just want rickey to br happy no matter that that takes i want him to be happy even if shit dosent work out the way i want it and i become depressed... I want rickey happy.
im so sorry.
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(13 || think they're beautiful)
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hearts_run_dry's journal